I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
