My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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