Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Randomize
