don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
