does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
