the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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