I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
