Do you still have your period?
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
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