Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
