Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Randomize
