And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Randomize
