we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
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