its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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