But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
