her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Randomize
