Banned from zoo.
Again?
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Randomize
