You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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