If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
