saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
