we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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