Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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