Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
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