You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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