yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
