That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
