TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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