I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
