Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Randomize
