Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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