im about as happy as oj after his trial
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
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