On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
