I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize
