So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
