best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
