And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Randomize
