By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
