Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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