i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
