chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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