i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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