She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
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