so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
How drunk are you?
Completed.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
