do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Randomize