To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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