Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
