I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
i was born a porn star she said
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I could fuck to npr.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
