I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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