I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Someone shattered a urinal.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
