Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
