Joe is yelling at the trees again.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
