Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
