My balls are so social today.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
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