just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Randomize
