tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
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