Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
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