So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
Randomize
