mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
