The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Randomize
