sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Randomize
