a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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