i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
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Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
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does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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